| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|01:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
I feel so lonely and empty right now. Im finding out shit thats hurting me, and I dont understand why people say they wont hurt you when they turn around and do. I try so hard not hurt other people in certain situations but they just turn around and do it to me. I finally got used to trying to trust people because I figured that not everyone would break that trust, but its not true, they do. In one way or another even if it has not yet happened. I dont even want to interact with certain people right now, just ones that I think I can trust for right now. I dont want to go to classes because I already failed a quiz because I forgot to go online and take it. MOTHERFUCKER. Im tired of feeling helpless as if everyone has to feel bad for me, thats not what I want I just simply want someone to help me and give me some input. And another thing, im begining not to believe anything I learned about my faith once again. Everything Ive learned seems to somehow prove itself wrong/ not true what or however you want to put it. I was thinking the other day, how we can say we dont really accept gays, or its ok to be gay but not to engage in same sex sex, well what the fuck we have gay priests amd bishops and what the fuck we even had a gay principal at newman, how can you not practice what you preach fucking hypocrites. I think its fucking fine to be gay what the hell is wrong with it, if it wasnt meant to be then why the hell did GOD make them that way. FUCK FUCK FUCK I dont know im in a ranting mood, im going to lunch with Monica and then to class maybe I will cool down by then, who knows. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|08:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
Ive learned in this past weekend that you cant trust anyone, not even some of you friends who you think you know. That is all I have to say.
(ps) you may think you know someone pretty good, and know what their about, but then you quickly find out that they are not the person that you thought they were!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|06:27 pm] |
|
Im giving up entirely. Im so tired of putting myself totally out there looking like a whore, waiting for Steven to do something, anything at all. I sleep at his apartment all the time, I walk around half the time without barely any clothes on. I come up there almost every night just for him. And in return I get nothing. He says he likes me, but WHAT THE FUCK, do something. STOP being a FUCKING PUSSY and DO SOMETHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im tired of wasting my gas, my time, my energy on nothing. Im not going to lie I really like this kid, and I know he likes me, but I cant wait forever. After we went to the movies the other night his mom asked him if I would ever come around the house again or if he scared me off, and his response to her was " SHE BETTER COME BACK AROUND" with a smile on his face. If you liked someone and they were putting themselves out there wouldnt you go for it, cause obviously if the person likes you and their doing that your not going to get turned down. Im so confused I dont know what to do, if I should just wait it out or just forget it and be friends.......
--CONFUSED |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 12th, 2006|03:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
Im so bored. My mom took my car today. Im waiting for her to get home so I can go up to gardens for the night. Im going out on the boat tomarrow with Em, Bobby and Steven. Were going tubing. Im so excited! I got in trouble last night again. But its all good. Im staying at Steven's again tonight. Not so excited about that. I did something really bad that I shouldnt have. And I might regret it later on down the road. I hope not though. Hopefully a certain person wont find out about it. And all will be well. I have to work another full week. And then I have off saturday and sunday again. I cheated the rapids. I only worked 4 days out of the 5 I had to work. But its all good. Im not ready for college my classes are from 8-4 almost everyday if not everyday. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|02:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
Ok so my dad is being a douche bag lately and I cant stand it. He's wanted to kick me out again but he wont cause I told him I would stop cleaning the house. But thats all he ever wants me to do. Clean like I have nothing better to do with myself. He thinks that hes the only one thats tired when he comes home from work but fuck I work out in the hot sun all day so fuck off mother fucker. I also have a social life that I would like to keep but obviously he doesnt care about it. He doesnt want me going up to gardens/jupiter cause Steven is up there and he doesnt want me seeing Steven until he meets him. Well he doesnt need to meet Steven because hes not the one who likes him so what the fuck does it matter if he meets him cause I could care less if he likes him or not. Im not enjoying my life right now cause 1) college is starting but I dont know what im doing with myself yet. There is a program but I dont know if I will get into it. I dont want to take unnecessary classes for what I want to do in life. Its a waste of my time and money. If I want to do something that has to do with taking x-rays and shit why do I need to take english and math?!??! I dont need to know how to create good sentence structures to take x-rays. I still have to go see an advisor to see if I can get into those classes but still then the classes last from 8am till 4pm and Im not in the mood for that.
Right now im babysitting Haley, and I feel bad for her cause theres nothing to do and ive been a shitty mood all day. I was supposed to work today but no one came around with the schedule for me to see so I had to call Rick today and tell him that I didnt know I was working and that I had already told someone that I was babysitting for them and that I was able to come in. He said that I was supposed to lead today but that it was fine just to come into work tomarrow. Which sucks balls I think its totally ridiculous that their making us work a full week even though we will be the ones working a full week when all of the fucking newbes go back to school. And im tired of this shit no one does their job at work they think they own the place and the people who have been there for a couple years work their asses off to do what they are supposed to and no one else does. Its a fucking joke. I dont want to work for a week straight im tired of the fucking rapids and all the fucking people like Mercedes and her fucking retarded crew I hope they would all just get fired so I dont have to deal with their stupid ass voices and ditzy-ness.
I also really miss Steven even though its only been a fucking day since ive seen him. Krystel is leaving me soon and im sad. And everyone else will be leaving soon. I dont want to go back to school yet its fucking retarded. I talked to Nathan yesterday he doing good up in Tenn. Hes living with his grandparents and he clean. He got fired from his job cause he beat the shit outta his uncle and thats who he was working for. He said to tell everyone hi and that he misses everyone and he told me that he will come down and visit us as soon as he gets another job and has money and is done finishing his GED shit. I love run-on sentences they make me happy being that no fucking teacher can yell at me for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all im done ranting for right now! Love you guys! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|08:37 am] |
|
WTF IS THE DEAL WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS!??!??!??! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|06:50 pm] |
|
So I still dont know what is going on with me and Steven. Em and Bob tell me that he likes me because before he would never call Em unless they had plans to do something or if he needed to go to the mall cause he hated going shopping by himself. They said that if he didnt like me that he wouldnt come do all this stuff and hang out with us if he didnt, but he has yet to make a decent move. Yes we've hugged (yipee!!) not really but it was one of those hugs that makes you get butterflies. I mean for christ sake ive slept in his room and in his bed ive made myself completely open and vulnerable to him so he could do something but no hes too shy and shit. So this is my plan ill make the first major move kiss him smile and then walk away. After that if he still has not grown balls to make a move on me then im done. Im not going to waste my time or gas to drive to gardens for him. I mean last night I slept at his apartment again and we had a good time and we talked and shit unlike the night before, but I want a goddamn move to be made, I mean dont take me as a slut or anything I just want this to go farther not just talking or else its not worth my time. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY OTHER IDEAS THAT WOULD BE CUTE TO MAKE THE FIRST MAJOR MOVE ON HIM? PLEASE TELL ME CAUSE IM ALSO NOT THE BOLDEST PERSON! love ya guys im off to relay for life! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|03:00 pm] |
|
So Im sitting at Em's work bored as fuck playing on her work computer. Some bitch that said she was going to take Em's hours hasnt showed up! What a hoe so I have to sit here with Em till about 5 today...GAAAAAAAAAY...and I dont know whats going on with Steven last nig ht we went to the bridge while he was fishing and he didn even talk to me, he talked to these other hoes and said that they just got back from costa rica that was his reason for not talking to me, fuck that if you like someone you dont ditch them for other girls grrrrrrrrrrr.!!!!! So yeah im done now peace out cool kids |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|04:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
Ok so yesterday at work sucked cause Ralph wanted me to be lead but I felt like shit so I told him no so he told me to go get Monica that she was going to take my spot and she did and then I went to rotate down to the bottom of tubin and ended up puking which was not too great, so Crystal sent me home even though Ralph didnt want me to. So I thought me getting sick was because of my cramps which it was partly but then I realized I slept over Steven's and hes sick so I got sick too.
So yeah, I have a new crush, I dont know whats happening with it yet though cause I like him and he likes me but hes scared. I know he sounds like a pussy but he has his reasons. Hes gotten hurt in the past by his ex who dumped him and then this girl that he had something with I guess, well she ended up kissing his brother and he walked out and saw. But whatever he just basically wants to take it slow cause he doesnt want to get hurt even though people have told him that Im not that kind of person that I wouldnt do something like that to him. Im sleeping at this persons house that Bobby is house sitting for but either way Ill get to see him tonight cause he's coming over to watch a movie.
I dont know what to tell the other person who I did like at one time cause Im not sure if he still likes me. Cause from what ive read on his myspace some chick that hes talking to may like him. Which I mean good for him if he found someone else to bug, cause then I dont have to break the news to him and hurt him like I kinda did before which by the way was unintentional. He took things way to fast and after the second day hanging out with him he thought we were together. I mean I had just met him the day before. I guess I kinda lead him to think that cause I mean we kissed the first day we hung out. Damn I dont know why Im talking about this, that was like months ago. ANY ONE HAVE ANY IDEAS ON HOW TO BREAK THE NEWS TO HIM WITHOUT HURTING HIM? CAUSE I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT. CAUSE IM HORRIBLE AT DOING THIS KINDA STUFF CAUSE I DONT LIKE SEEING PEOPLE GET HURT CAUSE IT HURTS ME TO SEE THAT. I KNOW IM A LITTLE PUSSY ASS BITCH. I dont know why I just typed that in caps lock either.
God can you tell im bored Im waiting for Emily to call me cause shes working but that wont be till 8 when she gets off and then I have to go pick her up. Which by the way I have to lie and say Im staying at another friends house so my parents wont know that im staying with someone else :) cause last time that didnt work out very good I didnt have a place to stay cause my dad kinda got pissed. Ok yes Im finally done, I would be surprised if anyone is still reading this cause if you are you must be pretty bored too. Love yas! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|10:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | discontent | ] |
Ok so Im a bit sad, I went and took my test for PBCC and I scored a 85 on my reading comprehension and a 93 on my sentence structure but I totally bombed my algebra section getting a total score of 47 whoo!! But now I have to go back and take it again so hopefully I will score better cause I dont want to be in prep classes.
On a better note Im off of work for the next 2 days whoo! And my parents were supposed to go out of town but now my grandmother is in the hospital cause something is wrong with her heart and shes not doing good and now she needs surgery, so that means no parties since the parentals will be here..boo! I was actually looking forward to them leaving but making a big deal about it to them so they wouldnt think that I had anything planned! Well that fell through.
Well Im off to the rapids with monica emily and jess. peace out! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|10:16 am] |
Ok so work is alright, nothing majorly exciting. It seems like thats all I have been doing lately is working non-stop. Im tired and just cant wait to go to North Carolina just to get away from everything. Life is alright, still confused about the guy situation.
Just thought Id update in this thing, not much to say but hey, there will be more when I get back on the 18th from North Carolina. Love ya guys |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2006|10:41 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
Freakin finally were graduating!! come monday I will officially be out of highschool!, Im not really scared Im just afraid that my heel on my shoe will break or that I will fall on the stage in front of everyone!
Work fucking sucks Im not going to lie, I worked all week! and Im tired as fuck, but I slept till 8:45 thanks to Monica this morning lol just kidding Monica I love you even if you did wake me up!
I want to do something today, but right now Im cleaning the house! I hate cleaning, cause my parents leave and tell me to do shit and they dont do anything until they feel like it, mean while I have to clean or else I cant leave the house. I mean Im 18 let me do what the fuck I want to do, I mean yes I know I still live under your roof, but geez give me a break. Ill get it done soon!!!!
Im not sure whats going on with me and RJ, I dont really think I want anything to be really going on. I dont want a boyfriend right now. I dont want to be tied down, I dont want to have to hang out with someone 24/7. Im too busy and I just want to have fun! I mean dont get me wrong I like the kid a lot, but Its too much work. Hes still in highschool and Im not. And to tell you the truth, I think hes way more into me than Im into him, and it just wont work like that. I dont now what to do. I mean I can act like myself around him and I feel totally comfortable around him, I dont have to put on an act, but I get nervous, maybe cause I do like him more than I want myself to like him. But I dont know what to tell him cause he always wants to hang out, and to tell you the truth I dont...? I really just dont know right now. I really dont know anything. Like what path I want my life to take. What I want to do. I want to do something that has to do with kids but Im not sure if I want to be a teacher or open up my own daycare or what. Either way I know I wont be making a lot of money! But I guess if its something I love its worth it.
Me and the family and Monica are going to North Carolina, I have to find someone to switch my hours at work with, poo on Robin, I dont like that bitch, she makes our lives a living hell, but other times shes cool! I think she needs to get more action from Rick like she did that day before she left (right Monica?). But yeah so its going to be me, mom, dad and monica. and my other family might come which consists of Mar (my moms cousin) Steve and Kimmie and Wheels(stevie) my cousins and possibly Jenny my other cousin but who knows shes married she prob wont come. Who knows though!
Alright Im going to get back to cleaning before the parentals get home, peace out hommies! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2006|02:58 pm] |
|
why must all of my dreams from the past week all have to come back to you, i hate you!, i want you out of my life for good, i finally found someone who likes me for me, not for what i can do TO him, or what i can do FOR him. all my dreams bring me back to all the horrible things that went on when we were together!! i hate you!!!!! i hate you i hate you!!!!! i found someone that likes me, unlike you said..." you wont ever find anyone else that likes you if you break up with me" you were wrong asshole!! no more threatening or anything!! but thanks to you im afraid of a relationsip cause i dont want it to end up like the one with you!!!! your a douche bag, and you dont deserve to have a girl!!! or maybe you do just one that will teach you what its like to be used, treated like crap and threatened!!!! ive been praying everynight ever since the 2nd day of these dreams that they would stop!!!!!!!!!! cause i hate you sooo much!!!!.......HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|10:15 pm] |
prom was awesome and so was the after party, i had a lot of fun, sean was drivin me nuts im glad rj was there with me, i think i really like him but im scared of a relationship, just because of brandon luke, im scared its going to end up like that again and i dont want it to. i feel so comfortable around him, i can be myself and not have to act a certain way. he makes me laugh and yes he may be a little weird, not the typical guy i would go for, and you all may not like him, but i dont care cause all that matters is that i do.im to the point where i dont care what anyone else thinks anymore. its not anyone elses life but mine and ill live it the way i want and like who i want.
the rest of the year is going to fly by, i happy yet im sad, everyone is leaving but hey i guess its somewhat a good thing.ive begun to appreciate what my parens do for me a lot more. a simple thank you always makes things more sincere. my dad for some reason let me out really late the other night on a school night which my mom wasnt too happy about but i guess he realizes that he needs to let me out and do my own thing cause im now 18 an adult and that hes going to have to let me grow up and fend for myself, and that he cant always be soooo protective!
for once hes ok with the person i like. at first i wasnt too sure cause he kept giving rj those death looks, but now hes cool with it, my mom on the other hand isnt so cool with it. she finds it weird being that its her student, i mean its not that she has a problem with us together, its just that she doesnt want it to be weird if we dont end up together in the end, she doesnt want anything to be different with er and rj, which i understand but she was the one who introduced us to eachother in the first place cause she thought it would be cute, well guess what mom you got what you wanted but only now you dont want it, you want me to date around and not stick with him!!!!!
this entry wasnt really for anyone to read, it was merely a way for me to let out the stuff i needed to, i hope everyones prom was fun and exciting cause i know mine was even though my prom date ended up hooking up and going out with someone else, hahahahaha i think its cute he was just a simple date for prom so its all good!!! alrighty im out peace homies!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|03:48 pm] |
|
CORRUPTION is fucking AWESOME...but knowing my luck it wont happen, i cant wait till this weekend, and i deff. cant wait till PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2006|09:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crazy | ] |
ok so im not gunna lie, i wasnt too thrilled about going to prom with Jose, only being that we have never really have a good conversation and we've never really hung out. and i know hes really quiet and shy and iwasnt sure it would work out. and then i also wasnt sure if he even really wanted to go with me. but i talked to him its good and im really glad that im going with him because this will give me the opportunity to talk to him and get to know him better, and possibly make him talk more. i hope prom is fun....but i sooo CANT WAIT for spring break...the CRUISE is only 5 days away and im sooooo EXCITED!!
i like someone, but i cant do anything about it. it wouldnt be right, and it would be too awkward. no good!!!
school is being a bitch well algebra, history and english and being bitches and they are raping me in the ass a gazillion times each and every day of school!!! but its awesome!! NOT!!!!
graduation is just around the corner, and im getting nervous, i dont want to leave my friends but i guess it will be for the better being that we are already going our seperate ways. but i hope the close friends that i have will always stay intouch with one another.
i talk to bryan (my boss) and he wants me to come back to work for him..yippee (not really) he doesnt care if im a lifeguard or not..if i go back as a certified lifeguard its 8.75 an hour, or a lead lifeguard $10.75...but i dont want to be a lead. or i can work in tickets or frosty creations..but i dont know which i want to do. i dont even want to work there, but i guess im stuck.
alrighty well this is probrably more than ya'll wanted to read so im done now, love ya guys!! |
|
|
| screw everyone and everything |
[Mar. 9th, 2006|02:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
ok im so fucking tired of this shit, im not going to prom, ever!! i hate fucking school and my fucking life, and yet im going back to my old ways, im depressed im not even going to try and hide it, ive tried for ssometime now and i cant pretend anymore. im done with everything im thinking about dropping out. fuck everyone is asking me for help and advice yet i cant even help myself!!!! this is ridiculous, guys are fucking ridiculous, i hate them except for a select few. fuck the world, fuck you, fuck me, fuck fucking everything!!!!1 i hate my fucking life!!!! i fucking gave up drinking and everything else, forever, hahahahahahahahah yeah right that wont last long with depression!!!! hahahahahah i laugh at myself for even thinking trhat i could give it up while being depressed, isnt it a fucking coinceidence that were talking about depression in anatomy, ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah I HATE MY LIFE!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|03:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
i feel like a complete and utter bitch, im seem to be hurting people and not even knowing it, i mean with the whole RJ situation i knew i was going to hurt him and i felt really shitty sunday when i told him i just wanted to be friends for right now, now someone else says im killing them (their heart) and i really cant take it anymore, itwas just too weird being that RJ is my moms student, dont get me wrong i liked him and ithink that me and joelle were about the only ones who got his humor, but thats besides the point. Steve texted me last night but since i dont have text messaging i couldnt respond or even get his number, so my mom called nextel to see if she could get the number but they said they couldnt give it to her so she got me text messaging whoo hoo!! so they said that would start anywhere from6 to 24 hours so im waiting for that, im so happy cause now i wont have to use other peoples phones (chelsea) (oh yeah by the way thanks for letting me use it all those times) so yeah my phone is off so no one can call me, cause im tired of hearing depressed voices!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 17th, 2006|05:33 pm] |
im really kind of getting pissed now cause every one is trying to hook me up with someone else, my mom first said i should start talking to RJ which i did, and like, the other night i talked to him for 2 and a half hours, and then last night i talked to him for 4 and a half almost, this is kid is hilarious and i really like him.
But mom and her friend Mel seem to think i shouldnt go out with im that i should go for this other redhead that Mel has named Steve, yeah he likes me but i think it would be kinda of rude to just start talking to someone else too
And then Christina Bar"d"o and her bf want to hook me up with his friend Taly Tally i dont know how to spell it, thye said hes tall and skinny and is a redneck, but i dont like tall and skinny i rather have tall with a little bit of cushin'.
Dont get me wrong i like the fact that these guys like me but i think it would be really rude to be talking to all of them for all the same reason.
Anyways festival started last night whoo, shall be a interesting weekend. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|03:58 pm] |
ok so im kind of confused on various situations, about friday, about my friends...and about someone.....
i dont know about friday, a lot of friends arnt going and i dont know what to do, some of my friends are really starting to amaze me (not in a good way) about how they have been acting and what they have been doing, and this person...they said they looked at me in a certain way and now its beging to change, and im not sure that i like it, im confused and i dont know what to say to the person.....
on a better note RJ might come to the festival with me this weekend, and he got me a valentine, nothing big but it was very cute, i have a feeling that my friends arnt going to like him, cause he really isnt cute, but hes a very nice kid and is very interesting. hes supposed to call me tonight, but who knows if that will happen cause he prob. has to work or something........
i hope everyone had an ok valentines day...most of which prob didnt fact being they didnt have a valentine..which i feel ya....
last weekend was a lot of fun, EMMAUS ROCKED MY SOCKS!!!!!
im thinking about deleteing livejoural fact being that everyone is on MYSPACE now, and no one ever comments on my entries, well let me correct myself, people rarely comment on my entries.....
so give me your input on some of this stuff if you even bother to read my entries |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
hodge__podge's journal